We often hear about the importance of healthy relationships with others, but what about the relationship we have with ourselves? For many of us, being truly present with ourselves can feel uncomfortable or even overwhelming. Yet learning to become our own secure base is one of the most transformative things we can do for our mental health and wellbeing. In this post, we’ll explore practical ways to develop a nurturing, compassionate relationship with yourself using the HEART method as our guide.
Here and now with myself
The idea of being present with yourself sounds simple, but can actually be quite difficult to put into practice for many people. Being truly alone with yourself can sometimes be a painful, uncomfortable experience, and can even feel unsafe if you’re someone who has lived through trauma.
It can be incredibility useful to tap into some of our less well known senses in order to grow our self awareness. By harnessing exteroception (sensing our environment), interoception (sensations within our body) and proprioception (sensing our bodies position in relation to the environment).
Start to notice times when you’re avoiding being alone with yourself, and consider how you might spend more time with you. You could practice different activities, like mindfulness or yoga, trying a body scan, or going out for a walk without your headphones or calling anyone.
Expressing joy and appreciation for myself
If we are to have a good relationship with ourselves, it’s importance to develop the ability to feel joy, appreciation, and compassion toward our self, like you would a loved one. Although our first formation of self-worth develops through childhood experiences and our significant relationships growing up, as adults we need to continue this through consistent positive self talk and self compassion.
Feelings of shame and the inner critics in us can massively undermine our relationship with self. Essentially it’s the mind attacking itself, believing it’s protecting you, when actually it’s causing more damage and blocking opportunities for healing.
Being able to heal from these wounds involves a recognition that these are parts of ourselves that have been born from trauma and conflict, that they are part of us but not ALL we are. Taking a compassion-focused lens to our selves and what we have experienced can really help us to reconnect with our joyful and creative sides, and help to feel safe in our own company.
Put this into practice by reflecting on the aspects of yourself that you appreciate, or try making a list of your top 10 best qualities, maybe even ask those that know you well to list some positive things about you. Lastly, strive to carve out time in your schedule to do something that you enjoy doing.
Attunement to myself
Our ability to tune into our own and others’ inner worlds forms the foundation of secure attachment and emotional regulation. When emotional needs go unmet in childhood, we often develop one of two coping patterns: seeking constant external validation or disconnecting from our feelings entirely. Emotional healing requires learning to attune to ourselves, a conscious practice of noticing what we feel, need, and think, then responding with care and compassion.
How this looks in practice depends on our attachment style. Those with preoccupied or anxious attachment benefit from building a stronger sense of self. Those with avoidant or dismissive attachment need to practice vulnerability and connection with others. And those with fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment must focus on creating a solid sense of inner safety.
Regardless of attachment style, the way forward is the same; through consistent self-awareness, body connection, and self-compassion, we can develop a secure base within ourselves and become our own nurturing caregiver.
Try reflecting on the ways you already show up for yourself, then ask yourself in what ways can you build on this and start to really attune to your needs. Try grounding techniques that fully engage your senses (think appealing textures or smells, calming sounds and frequencies), consider journaling, or look into mindfulness meditations that incorporate self-compassion and somatic awareness.
Routine and rituals for myself
Part of what makes a healthy relationship involves getting our needs met consistently and predictably. In order to take care of ourselves, we need to make sure we’re eating and sleeping well, plus getting enough rest and making time for joy in our everyday lives. Having routines that align with your natural body clock and living a life that matches your needs and values is so important in feeling emotionally healthy.
This also pairs up with the idea that what we chose to focus our attention on becomes reinforced in our minds. So if you put your energy into creating a life for yourself that is authentic, joyful and aligned with your needs, this will eventually assimilate into your sense of self and become reality.
So have a think about what you’d like as your regular self care (no, not just candle lit baths). Things like making time for regular exercise, meal prep to ensure your body is getting enough nutrition, scheduling in time to meet friends or take part in your favourite activities etc.
Turing towards myself after conflict and triggers
Building a secure attachment with yourself requires learning to work skilfully with your inner critic and emotional triggers. Your inner critic, though usually quite harsh, is quite often actually attempting to protect you from either rejection, failure, or being disliked (or a combination). Understanding the underlying motivations behind your inner critic allows you to “translate” what it’s saying you need, usually it boils down to safety and acceptance.
Rather than speaking directly from this critical part (which often leads to blaming ourselves or others), you can speak for the hurt or vulnerable part of yourself; expressing your needs with clarity means you show up as your authentic self, which creates a space for genuine connection to others.
This skill becomes incredibly handy when managing moments when our nervous systems are triggered, where something in the present moment touches on past pain and our body’s alarm system turns on. So learning to recognise what triggers you and being able to pause and respond, rather than react, you’re creating an opportunity to heal old wounds and to reinforce a positive relationship with yourself.
Take some time to think about how you treat yourself after you’ve made a mistake or haven’t lived up to your own expectations, and how you might go about treating yourself better in those moments. Remember that you don’t have to stay triggered, you can make a conscious choice to disarm your bodies alarm system by practising grounding techniques (such as deep breathing). You could also try debating with your inner critic, by not blindingly taking it’s message as truth but to question if there is another aspect of the situation you had not considered.
Developing a healthy relationship with yourself an ongoing practice, it requires time and effort to develop. This effort, though hard, is well worth it in the end as you deserve the same kindness, understanding, and care from yourself that you would offer to someone you love.
Are you feeling ready to start strengthening your relationship with yourself?
Choose one of the letters in the HEART method that resonates with you and commit to trying it over this next week. Whether it’s spending ten minutes alone without distractions, writing down three things you appreciate about yourself, or simply pausing to check in with how you’re feeling, every small action counts in the end. If you’re feeling inspired, start today! Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything else in your life.
If you’re struggling with learning to love you, counselling could really help give you space and tools to transform the way you see and care for yourself. Get in touch to arrange a call to discuss how I could help you in this journey. I can be reached by phone on 07568350457, email psi.counselling@gmail.com or via my contact form.
Pensive Counselling: Essex Therapy 