The Chameleon: When boundaries are too porous
When the topic of boundaries comes up in my therapy room, it rarely looks like a textbook scenario. Clients with spongy boundaries don’t realise it at first and it only becomes apparent when they start describing their lives to me.
Some tell me how they have to bite their tongue constantly and don’t speak up for themselves when they have issues with work colleagues. Some say they frequently stay late at work, despite being exhausted, because either their boss has asked them to or their team are relying on them.
I witness the resentment and rage that’s built up from years of swallowing everything life has thrown at them, it is no surprise when they tell me about the one little thing that tipped them over the edge. I’ll also hear them talk about being miserable in their job while feeling powerless to change it. Either it’s not the right time to leave or they feel hopeless for any meaningful change.
One of the most common red flags is when I hear that someone feels guilty when they try to relax in their down time, often believing they ‘should’ be doing something productive with that time instead of ‘doing nothing’.
When it comes to relationships, these people come across as laid back and easy going, happy to go along with what everyone else wants because they don’t want to go against the grain. Their partner may make all the decisions in the relationship because ‘it’s easier” than disagreeing and getting into an argument. They are terrified of conflict, so avoid it whenever they can.
This can cause an imbalance within relationships because one person isn’t asking for what they truly need. So inside they might feel bored or restless because they spend all their time doing things they are not really interested in. Feeling like they have no control over their own life, yet craving approval, they end up making decisions based on other people’s opinions. They keep quiet and never express themselves because they see other people’s opinions as more important than their own.
I often describe these clients as chameleons; those who have learnt to adapt and mirror the people around them in order to survive, both emotionally and physically. They often feel responsibility for the wellbeing of others and believe it’s their role to calm down those who are angry and cheer up those who are sad.
Early on in the therapy process, they often arrive feeling anxious and a little apprehensive. They over-explain and apologise a lot because they’re terrified about coming across as selfish or too much for others to handle.
A crisis of identity can also show up here. These people are so used to mirroring others that they genuinely don’t know their own likes and dislikes. Their own wants and needs never come into question because they’re too busy thinking about everyone else’s.
By saying yes to everything out of fear of being judged or left, you repeat the cycle and end up in burnout and a lost sense of self.
The Fortress: When boundaries are too rigid
On the other side of the spectrum, there are clients who have harsh, uncompromising and inflexible boundaries. They are less common, but they do still turn up in my therapy room.
These clients appear when they realise they’ve built an emotional wall around themselves by trying to live a hyper-independent and self-reliant life.
Despite succeeding in this, they are still miserable. They feel lonely and isolated, but at the same time fearful of putting themselves ‘out there’ to making meaningful connections. They may know a lot of people, but they don’t have any close friends. Their connections stay casual, and they tend to ghost people or cut them off after a disagreement.
It is a similar story for romantic relationships: short-term flings that flake out once the potential for something deeper gets too real, or relationships that fizzle out quickly because they can’t compromise or see the other persons point of view.
Being open and vulnerable is painful for them. They find it hard to trust, and usually they have experienced betrayal or trauma, such as infidelity, lying, gaslighting, neglect or emotional abandonment. Their deepest fear is they’ll regret trusting again, because it will backfire and they’ll be hurt once more.
Even at work they keep to themselves, only having surface-level interactions. They don’t see the point in forming strong friendships, keeping a strict policy of not letting anyone in to prevent being betrayed or used. So they struggle to collaborate and tend to tackle every task alone, even when it isn’t realistic. They don’t trust others to pull their weight or do a good enough job. Their attitude is fixed in, “I’ll just do it myself,” and that way, other people can’t let them down.
Over time, the very walls built to protect you actually end up leave you lonely, isolated and unable to ask for support when you need it most.
Where Do You See Yourself?
Whether your boundaries are too soft, too hard, or a bit of both depending on the situation, there is a middle ground where you can say no without guilt, let people in without losing yourself, and ask for what you actually need from others.
My new book, No Is A Complete Sentence: Why Setting Boundaries Is Hard and What to Do About It, takes you from recognising your boundary style to communicating your limits and sticking to them.
