Tag: Boundaries

(“Header graphic: Chameleon or Fortress? The Two Faces of Unhealthy Boundaries”

Chameleon or Fortress? The Two Faces of Unhealthy Boundaries

Published on by psicounselling

The Chameleon: When boundaries are too porous

When the topic of boundaries comes up in my therapy room, it rarely looks like a textbook scenario. Clients with spongy boundaries don’t realise it at first and it only becomes apparent when they start describing their lives to me.

Some tell me how they have to bite their tongue constantly and don’t speak up for themselves when they have issues with work colleagues. Some say they frequently stay late at work, despite being exhausted, because either their boss has asked them to or their team are relying on them.

I witness the resentment and rage that’s built up from years of swallowing everything life has thrown at them, it is no surprise when they tell me about the one little thing that tipped them over the edge. I’ll also hear them talk about being miserable in their job while feeling powerless to change it. Either it’s not the right time to leave or they feel hopeless for any meaningful change.

One of the most common red flags is when I hear that someone feels guilty when they try to relax in their down time, often believing they ‘should’ be doing something productive with that time instead of ‘doing nothing’.

When it comes to relationships, these people come across as laid back and easy going, happy to go along with what everyone else wants because they don’t want to go against the grain. Their partner may make all the decisions in the relationship because ‘it’s easier” than disagreeing and getting into an argument. They are terrified of conflict, so avoid it whenever they can.

This can cause an imbalance within relationships because one person isn’t asking for what they truly need. So inside they might feel bored or restless because they spend all their time doing things they are not really interested in. Feeling like they have no control over their own life, yet craving approval, they end up making decisions based on other people’s opinions. They keep quiet and never express themselves because they see other people’s opinions as more important than their own.

I often describe these clients as chameleons; those who have learnt to adapt and mirror the people around them in order to survive, both emotionally and physically. They often feel responsibility for the wellbeing of others and believe it’s their role to calm down those who are angry and cheer up those who are sad.

Early on in the therapy process, they often arrive feeling anxious and a little apprehensive. They over-explain and apologise a lot because they’re terrified about coming across as selfish or too much for others to handle.

A crisis of identity can also show up here. These people are so used to mirroring others that they genuinely don’t know their own likes and dislikes. Their own wants and needs never come into question because they’re too busy thinking about everyone else’s.

By saying yes to everything out of fear of being judged or left, you repeat the cycle and end up in burnout and a lost sense of self.

The Fortress: When boundaries are too rigid

On the other side of the spectrum, there are clients who have harsh, uncompromising and inflexible boundaries. They are less common, but they do still turn up in my therapy room.

These clients appear when they realise they’ve built an emotional wall around themselves by trying to live a hyper-independent and self-reliant life.

Despite succeeding in this, they are still miserable. They feel lonely and isolated, but at the same time fearful of putting themselves ‘out there’ to making meaningful connections. They may know a lot of people, but they don’t have any close friends. Their connections stay casual, and they tend to ghost people or cut them off after a disagreement.

It is a similar story for romantic relationships: short-term flings that flake out once the potential for something deeper gets too real, or relationships that fizzle out quickly because they can’t compromise or see the other persons point of view. 

Being open and vulnerable is painful for them. They find it hard to trust, and usually they have experienced betrayal or trauma, such as infidelity, lying, gaslighting, neglect or emotional abandonment. Their deepest fear is they’ll regret trusting again, because it will backfire and they’ll be hurt once more.

Even at work they keep to themselves, only having surface-level interactions. They don’t see the point in forming strong friendships, keeping a strict policy of not letting anyone in to prevent being betrayed or used. So they struggle to collaborate and tend to tackle every task alone, even when it isn’t realistic. They don’t trust others to pull their weight or do a good enough job. Their attitude is fixed in, “I’ll just do it myself,” and that way, other people can’t let them down.

Over time, the very walls built to protect you actually end up leave you lonely, isolated and unable to ask for support when you need it most.

Where Do You See Yourself?

Whether your boundaries are too soft, too hard, or a bit of both depending on the situation, there is a middle ground where you can say no without guilt, let people in without losing yourself, and ask for what you actually need from others.

My new book, No Is A Complete Sentence: Why Setting Boundaries Is Hard and What to Do About It, takes you from recognising your boundary style to communicating your limits and sticking to them.

Available now on Amazon

Person looking out of a window on a winters day

Surviving Christmas When Family Relationships Are Difficult

Published on by psicounselling

If you’re reading this in the run-up to Christmas, there’s a good chance you’re feeling some level of dread about the family gatherings ahead. Maybe it’s the uncle who makes inappropriate comments, the parent who still criticises your life choices, or the sibling dynamics that transport you straight back into being a kid again. You’re not alone in this, many of us face a tough time around the Christmas period.

While social media fills with images of perfect families and we’re bombarded with messages about togetherness and joy, the reality for many people is far more complicated. If your family relationships are difficult or dysfunctional, Christmas doesn’t magically fix everything. In fact, the pressure and expectation around it often makes things worse.

As much as we can hope and be optimistic about how things will go, the reality is that there’s more to surviving than just being grateful for what you do have and believing everything will be fine in the end; it’s important to also choose self-protection and making conscious choices about how you engage with the family dynamics that genuinely affect your wellbeing.

Before You Go: Prevention and Planning

Set Your Boundaries Early

One of the most powerful things you can do is decide in advance what your limits are. This might appear on the surface as ‘being difficult’ or ‘ready for a fight’ but actually underneath is really about protecting your own mental health.

Think about the practical boundaries first. Will you attend? For how long? Where will you stay? These seemingly simple decisions can make an enormous difference. Staying in a hotel rather than at the family home might feel over the top, but the ability to retreat to your own space can have a massive impact when things start to feel a bit too much. Having your own transport means you can leave when you need to, not when someone else is ready.

Then consider your emotional boundaries. What topics are off-limits for you? Your relationship status, career choices, sexuality, gender, parenting decisions, political views? You’re allowed to decide that certain subjects are not up for discussion, regardless of whether your family respects that.

If possible, communicate some of these boundaries beforehand. A simple message like “I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone, but I won’t be discussing my job situation this year” can set expectations. Some family members will respect this, others won’t, but at least you’ve been clear.

Manage Your Expectations

This might be the hardest part, but it’s also one of the most freeing. Your cold and emotionally distant aunt isn’t going to suddenly become warm and supportive. Your parents probably aren’t going to apologise for past hurts. The family dynamics that have existed for years won’t transform just because you’re all having Christmas dinner together.

There’s a grief process here, really. Grieving the family you wish you had, and accepting the one you actually have. When you stop hoping for transformation, you stop being disappointed. This doesn’t mean giving up on change entirely, it means being realistic about what’s achievable during a high-stress holiday gathering.

Ditch the Disney fantasy and aim for tolerable interactions. If you can get through the day without major conflict or emotional damage, that’s a success! Lower your expectations, and by the end of it you might find the experience has been less painful than you’d initially imagined.

Prepare Your Exit Strategy

Be practical rather than pessimistic. Before you even arrive, know how you’ll leave if things become unbearable. Think about what might be your ‘non-negotiable’ reasons you’d need to leave, for example if a certain boundary is not respected.

You can also think about what other legitimate reasons you’ll need to leave; do you have work the next day, meeting up with friends, pet’s that need tending to? Driving yourself or having your own transport can help with this. If you’re using public transport, book return travel that allows for flexibility. Even if you don’t end up using your exit strategy, just knowing it exists can help make staying more bearable.

During the Visit: Tactical Survival Skills

The Gray Rock Technique

If you’ve not heard of this before, it’s a method particularly useful when dealing with family members who thrive on drama or provocation. The idea is to make yourself as interesting as a gray rock, boring and unreactive.

Give bland, brief responses. Don’t share anything personal or emotional that could be used against you later. “Work is fine.” “Yeah, the weather’s been strange.” “I’m good, thanks.”

Using this technique minimises opportunities for family to use your words as ammunition or being able to twist it around or use it to hurt you. You’re protecting yourself by being strategically boring.

Strategic Positioning

The physical tactics are great to have in your toolkit. Can you volunteer for kitchen duties? It gives you a good excuse to take a break and also keeps your hands busy. Sit near allies if you have them, or arrive slightly later and leave slightly earlier when possible to minimise the actual time spent around anyone difficult.

If there are children or pets around, spending time with them can provide a natural buffer. They’re usually less caught up in adult drama and can offer genuine moments of joy.

The Redirect Arsenal

Have phrases ready for deflecting uncomfortable topics. Practice them beforehand if you need to, so they come out smoothly rather than defensively.

“That’s an interesting perspective. Hey, did anyone try these potatoes?”

“I’d rather not get into that today, how’s your garden coming along?”

“I hear what you’re saying. Shall we check if anyone needs more drinks?”

If you’re being asked personal questions, deflect with a question back to them. Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and it takes the spotlight off you.

Find Your Escape Valves

Build in small releases throughout the day. Take walks or volunteer to run errands, spend some time in a different room. Have a friend on text standby who you can vent to during toilet breaks. These small releases could help to prevent bigger explosions from happening.

If you’re someone who finds social situations draining (many of us do), schedule in moments of genuine solitude. Even five minutes sitting in your car or taking a short walk somewhere local can help reset your nervous system.

When It’s Really Bad: Protecting Your Peace

Know Your Deal-breakers

Some behaviours aren’t tolerable, and you need to know what yours are before you arrive. Active abuse, serious boundary violations, threats to your safety or sobriety. These aren’t things to endure for the sake of family harmony.

It’s okay to say no to attending in the first place. It’s okay to leave mid-meal if things become unbearable. Your mental health and physical safety are more important than avoiding family disappointment.

Redefining Christmas

If your family gathering is genuinely harmful, give yourself permission to opt out. Christmas doesn’t require you to sacrifice your wellbeing on the altar of family obligation.

Create new traditions that actually bring you joy. Volunteer some time at your favourite charity, celebrate with chosen family, travel somewhere meaningful, or have a quiet day of self-care. There’s no rule that says Christmas must involve biological family, especially if that family is damaging to your mental health.

I’ve worked with clients who’ve made this choice, and the relief they feel is huge. Yes, there might be some feelings of guilt initially, and yes, family members might react badly. But choosing yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

The Long Game

Sometimes this year’s Christmas is about gathering information for future decisions. You’re allowed to conclude that these relationships require more distance, even during holidays. ‘Future you’ might make different choices, and that’s completely okay.

Pay attention to how you feel during and after family interactions. Your body and mind are giving you valuable information about what’s healthy for you, trust it.

After: Recovery and Reflection

Build in Buffer Time

Don’t schedule anything important for the day after a family gathering you anticipate is going to be difficult. Give yourself time to recover. Plan something restorative: time with safe people, a favourite activity, a therapy session if you have one scheduled, or simply being alone to process.

Difficult family interactions do genuinely drain our emotional energy. Honour that by giving yourself some proper recovery time, just as you would have rest days after doing a hard workout at the gym.

Process Without Judgment

You might feel relief, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, or a confusing mix of all of them. All of these feelings are valid. If you didn’t handle something perfectly, extend yourself some compassion. There is a reason these relationships are complicated.

It’s also okay to feel good about how things went. If you successfully implemented your boundaries, protected your peace, or managed to enjoy some moments despite the difficulty, that’s worth acknowledging.

Decide Your Future Boundaries

Use this experience as an information gathering exercise. What worked? What didn’t? What will you do differently next year?

This might be the year you realise that less contact is healthier. It might reinforce that you can handle these visits with the right strategies in place. Or it might confirm that opting out entirely is the right choice for you.

Whatever you decide, make it from a place of self-care rather than obligation or guilt.

You Get to Choose

Here’s something I want you to really hear: you have more autonomy in this than you might realise. Difficult family relationships don’t disappear at Christmas, the holiday just adds pressure and expectation on top of already existing problems. But you get to decide what level of engagement is right for you.

Prioritising your wellbeing isn’t selfish. Setting boundaries isn’t mean. Choosing to protect your mental health, even when it disappoints others, is a valid and important choice.

If you do attend family gatherings, go in with realistic expectations and solid strategies. If you choose to opt out, know that you’re not alone in making that decision, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Christmas will end, the decorations will come down, and life will return to normal. Make sure that when it does, you’re still intact.

If You Need Support

If you’re struggling with difficult relationships and the emotional impact they have, you don’t have to figure it out alone. These issues don’t just affect you at Christmas, they show up year-round, and working through them with professional support can genuinely change how you experience both your family and yourself.

I work both in person and online with people navigating these and other issues. If you think counselling might help, you can contact me on 07568 350 457, email psi.counselling@gmail.com, or use my contact form.

And if you’re in crisis, support is available. If you’re feeling unsafe, call 999 or go to your local A&E department. Charities like Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123, or Shout is there for you 24/7 for free and confidential support with your mental health. Just text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 to get started.

Whatever this Christmas brings, I hope you find moments of peace, and that you’re able to protect what matters most: your wellbeing.