Author: psicounselling

Surviving Christmas When Family Relationships Are Difficult

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If you’re reading this in the run-up to Christmas, there’s a good chance you’re feeling some level of dread about the family gatherings ahead. Maybe it’s the uncle who makes inappropriate comments, the parent who still criticises your life choices, or the sibling dynamics that transport you straight back into being a kid again. You’re not alone in this, many of us face a tough time around the Christmas period.

While social media fills with images of perfect families and we’re bombarded with messages about togetherness and joy, the reality for many people is far more complicated. If your family relationships are difficult or dysfunctional, Christmas doesn’t magically fix everything. In fact, the pressure and expectation around it often makes things worse.

As much as we can hope and be optimistic about how things will go, the reality is that there’s more to surviving than just being grateful for what you do have and believing everything will be fine in the end; it’s important to also choose self-protection and making conscious choices about how you engage with the family dynamics that genuinely affect your wellbeing.

Before You Go: Prevention and Planning

Set Your Boundaries Early

One of the most powerful things you can do is decide in advance what your limits are. This might appear on the surface as ‘being difficult’ or ‘ready for a fight’ but actually underneath is really about protecting your own mental health.

Think about the practical boundaries first. Will you attend? For how long? Where will you stay? These seemingly simple decisions can make an enormous difference. Staying in a hotel rather than at the family home might feel over the top, but the ability to retreat to your own space can have a massive impact when things start to feel a bit too much. Having your own transport means you can leave when you need to, not when someone else is ready.

Then consider your emotional boundaries. What topics are off-limits for you? Your relationship status, career choices, sexuality, gender, parenting decisions, political views? You’re allowed to decide that certain subjects are not up for discussion, regardless of whether your family respects that.

If possible, communicate some of these boundaries beforehand. A simple message like “I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone, but I won’t be discussing my job situation this year” can set expectations. Some family members will respect this, others won’t, but at least you’ve been clear.

Manage Your Expectations

This might be the hardest part, but it’s also one of the most freeing. Your cold and emotionally distant aunt isn’t going to suddenly become warm and supportive. Your parents probably aren’t going to apologise for past hurts. The family dynamics that have existed for years won’t transform just because you’re all having Christmas dinner together.

There’s a grief process here, really. Grieving the family you wish you had, and accepting the one you actually have. When you stop hoping for transformation, you stop being disappointed. This doesn’t mean giving up on change entirely, it means being realistic about what’s achievable during a high-stress holiday gathering.

Ditch the Disney fantasy and aim for tolerable interactions. If you can get through the day without major conflict or emotional damage, that’s a success! Lower your expectations, and by the end of it you might find the experience has been less painful than you’d initially imagined.

Prepare Your Exit Strategy

Be practical rather than pessimistic. Before you even arrive, know how you’ll leave if things become unbearable. Think about what might be your ‘non-negotiable’ reasons you’d need to leave, for example if a certain boundary is not respected.

You can also think about what other legitimate reasons you’ll need to leave; do you have work the next day, meeting up with friends, pet’s that need tending to? Driving yourself or having your own transport can help with this. If you’re using public transport, book return travel that allows for flexibility. Even if you don’t end up using your exit strategy, just knowing it exists can help make staying more bearable.

During the Visit: Tactical Survival Skills

The Gray Rock Technique

If you’ve not heard of this before, it’s a method particularly useful when dealing with family members who thrive on drama or provocation. The idea is to make yourself as interesting as a gray rock, boring and unreactive.

Give bland, brief responses. Don’t share anything personal or emotional that could be used against you later. “Work is fine.” “Yeah, the weather’s been strange.” “I’m good, thanks.”

Using this technique minimises opportunities for family to use your words as ammunition or being able to twist it around or use it to hurt you. You’re protecting yourself by being strategically boring.

Strategic Positioning

The physical tactics are great to have in your toolkit. Can you volunteer for kitchen duties? It gives you a good excuse to take a break and also keeps your hands busy. Sit near allies if you have them, or arrive slightly later and leave slightly earlier when possible to minimise the actual time spent around anyone difficult.

If there are children or pets around, spending time with them can provide a natural buffer. They’re usually less caught up in adult drama and can offer genuine moments of joy.

The Redirect Arsenal

Have phrases ready for deflecting uncomfortable topics. Practice them beforehand if you need to, so they come out smoothly rather than defensively.

“That’s an interesting perspective. Hey, did anyone try these potatoes?”

“I’d rather not get into that today, how’s your garden coming along?”

“I hear what you’re saying. Shall we check if anyone needs more drinks?”

If you’re being asked personal questions, deflect with a question back to them. Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and it takes the spotlight off you.

Find Your Escape Valves

Build in small releases throughout the day. Take walks or volunteer to run errands, spend some time in a different room. Have a friend on text standby who you can vent to during toilet breaks. These small releases could help to prevent bigger explosions from happening.

If you’re someone who finds social situations draining (many of us do), schedule in moments of genuine solitude. Even five minutes sitting in your car or taking a short walk somewhere local can help reset your nervous system.

When It’s Really Bad: Protecting Your Peace

Know Your Deal-breakers

Some behaviours aren’t tolerable, and you need to know what yours are before you arrive. Active abuse, serious boundary violations, threats to your safety or sobriety. These aren’t things to endure for the sake of family harmony.

It’s okay to say no to attending in the first place. It’s okay to leave mid-meal if things become unbearable. Your mental health and physical safety are more important than avoiding family disappointment.

Redefining Christmas

If your family gathering is genuinely harmful, give yourself permission to opt out. Christmas doesn’t require you to sacrifice your wellbeing on the altar of family obligation.

Create new traditions that actually bring you joy. Volunteer some time at your favourite charity, celebrate with chosen family, travel somewhere meaningful, or have a quiet day of self-care. There’s no rule that says Christmas must involve biological family, especially if that family is damaging to your mental health.

I’ve worked with clients who’ve made this choice, and the relief they feel is huge. Yes, there might be some feelings of guilt initially, and yes, family members might react badly. But choosing yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

The Long Game

Sometimes this year’s Christmas is about gathering information for future decisions. You’re allowed to conclude that these relationships require more distance, even during holidays. ‘Future you’ might make different choices, and that’s completely okay.

Pay attention to how you feel during and after family interactions. Your body and mind are giving you valuable information about what’s healthy for you, trust it.

After: Recovery and Reflection

Build in Buffer Time

Don’t schedule anything important for the day after a family gathering you anticipate is going to be difficult. Give yourself time to recover. Plan something restorative: time with safe people, a favourite activity, a therapy session if you have one scheduled, or simply being alone to process.

Difficult family interactions do genuinely drain our emotional energy. Honour that by giving yourself some proper recovery time, just as you would have rest days after doing a hard workout at the gym.

Process Without Judgment

You might feel relief, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, or a confusing mix of all of them. All of these feelings are valid. If you didn’t handle something perfectly, extend yourself some compassion. There is a reason these relationships are complicated.

It’s also okay to feel good about how things went. If you successfully implemented your boundaries, protected your peace, or managed to enjoy some moments despite the difficulty, that’s worth acknowledging.

Decide Your Future Boundaries

Use this experience as an information gathering exercise. What worked? What didn’t? What will you do differently next year?

This might be the year you realise that less contact is healthier. It might reinforce that you can handle these visits with the right strategies in place. Or it might confirm that opting out entirely is the right choice for you.

Whatever you decide, make it from a place of self-care rather than obligation or guilt.

You Get to Choose

Here’s something I want you to really hear: you have more autonomy in this than you might realise. Difficult family relationships don’t disappear at Christmas, the holiday just adds pressure and expectation on top of already existing problems. But you get to decide what level of engagement is right for you.

Prioritising your wellbeing isn’t selfish. Setting boundaries isn’t mean. Choosing to protect your mental health, even when it disappoints others, is a valid and important choice.

If you do attend family gatherings, go in with realistic expectations and solid strategies. If you choose to opt out, know that you’re not alone in making that decision, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Christmas will end, the decorations will come down, and life will return to normal. Make sure that when it does, you’re still intact.

If You Need Support

If you’re struggling with difficult relationships and the emotional impact they have, you don’t have to figure it out alone. These issues don’t just affect you at Christmas, they show up year-round, and working through them with professional support can genuinely change how you experience both your family and yourself.

I work both in person and online with people navigating these and other issues. If you think counselling might help, you can contact me on 07568 350 457, email psi.counselling@gmail.com, or use my contact form.

And if you’re in crisis, support is available. If you’re feeling unsafe, call 999 or go to your local A&E department. Charities like Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123, or Shout is there for you 24/7 for free and confidential support with your mental health. Just text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 to get started.

Whatever this Christmas brings, I hope you find moments of peace, and that you’re able to protect what matters most: your wellbeing.

Email Counselling: Could Writing Be Your Therapy?

Published on by psicounselling

When most people think about therapy, they picture sitting in a room with a counsellor, having a conversation about their struggles. But what if I told you there’s another way to access meaningful therapeutic support that doesn’t involve speaking out loud at all? Email counselling (also known as email therapy or text-based therapy) is a form of therapy that might just be the perfect fit for you.

Email therapy isn’t a new concept for me. Back in the early 2010’s, I spent two years providing email support through the mental health charity SANE and witnessed how useful it could be for people who struggled to call their helpline. That experience inspired me to think outside the box, and it had always been in the back of my mind as an option for therapy once I trained as counsellor. In 2024 I came across some formal training through the Email Counselling Academy, and I leapt at the opportunity. It helped me to refresh my skills to offer this as a more accessible option to my existing private practice.

But email therapy isn’t for everyone, and that’s OK. Let me explain what makes it a unique way of working and help you work out if it could be right for you.

What Is Email Counselling?

Email counselling works quite differently from traditional talking therapy. Rather than meeting at a scheduled time for a live conversation, we exchange structured emails on agreed dates. You send your email on a set day, and I respond thoughtfully after an agreed amount of time (usually two working days). This asynchronous approach means there’s no need to coordinate our schedules for one time slot, and both of us have time to properly reflect on what’s being shared.

The process is still therapeutic and follows the same ethical guidelines as any other form of counselling. Our exchanges remain confidential, and I bring the same level of professional care and training to my written responses as I would in any face-to-face or video call sessions.

Why Email Counselling Can Be Powerful

Time to Process Your Thoughts

One of the biggest advantages of email therapy is the time it gives you to articulate what’s really going on. When you’re sitting in a therapy room, you might feel pressured to fill the silence or struggle to find the right words in the moment. With email counselling, you can take your time. You can draft, revise, and really think about what you want to say. For many people, this leads to deeper self-reflection and more meaningful insights.

Reduced Anxiety and Pressure

If the thought of sitting across from a therapist makes your heart race, you’re not alone. Many people find face-to-face therapy incredibly anxiety-inducing, especially at the start. Email therapy removes that immediate pressure. There’s no eye contact to maintain, no awkward silences, and no feeling of being watched or judged. You can write from the comfort of your own home, in your pyjamas if you like, at a time that feels right for you.

Accessible When Life Gets Complicated

Perhaps you have caring responsibilities that make it impossible to commit to the same time each week. Maybe you work shifts, travel frequently, struggle with transport, or live somewhere remote. Email counselling can fit around the complexities of your life in a way that scheduled appointments simply can’t. You’re not limited by geography or time zones, you just need an internet connection.

A Record of Your Journey

Another unique benefit is that you have a written record of your therapy. You can re-read our conversations, reflect on how your thinking has evolved, and revisit insights when you need them most. Some people find this incredibly valuable for tracking their progress and reinforcing the work they’re doing.

Perfect for Reflective Processors

If you’re someone who processes things better through writing, email therapy could be a great opportunity for transformation. Some of us need time to sit with our feelings and thoughts before we can express them. Writing provides that space. It can help you identify patterns, express things that feel too difficult to say out loud, and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

When Email Counselling Isn’t Appropriate

As powerful as email therapy can be for some, I need to be honest about its limitations. Email counselling is not suitable if:

  • You’re experiencing a mental health crisis or having suicidal thoughts
  • You need immediate support or intervention
  • You’re dealing with severe or acute mental health symptoms that require more intensive care
  • You find writing difficult or struggle with expressing yourself in written form
  • You would benefit from the immediate back-and-forth dialogue that live sessions offer
  • You’re dealing with complex trauma that requires more immediate therapeutic presence

If you’re in crisis, please refer to my resources page for immediate support options.

Is Email Counselling Right for You?

You might be a good fit for email counselling if:

  • You process your feelings better through writing than talking
  • You feel anxious or overwhelmed by face-to-face interactions
  • Your schedule makes regular appointments difficult or impossible
  • You identity as neurodivergent (e.g. ADHD or autism) and find real-time conversations challenging
  • You want time to really think about what you’re sharing
  • You prefer having a record of your therapy journey to reflect on
  • You find it easier to be honest and vulnerable in writing

How We Can Work Together

If you’re curious about email counselling, I’d love to hear from you. We can have an initial conversation (via phone or email) to discuss whether this approach would suit your needs. I currently offer all my therapy services, including email counselling, at £65 per session.

Email therapy has opened up a new way for me to support people who might otherwise struggle to access help. If you’ve been putting off starting therapy because traditional settings feel too daunting, or if life’s circumstances have made regular appointments tricky, perhaps email counselling could be your way in.

Remember, there’s no one “right” way to do therapy. What matters is finding the approach that works for you, in a way that feels manageable and supportive. If you’d like to explore whether email counselling could help you on your journey towards feeling better, please get in touch.

If you’ve found this article helpful, feel free to share it with anyone who might benefit from learning about alternative ways to access therapy.

Understanding ADHD: More Than Just Difficulty Sitting Still

Published on by psicounselling

October is ADHD Awareness Month, a time dedicated to educating communities about Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and supporting the millions of people whose lives it touches. If you’re reading this, perhaps you’re someone living with ADHD, a parent trying to understand your child better, or simply curious about what ADHD really means. Understanding this neurodevelopmental condition is crucial for fostering empathy and creating spaces where individuals can thrive.

What Is ADHD?

ADHD is a neurological condition that affects executive function, which is the mental processes that help us plan, focus, remember instructions, and manage multiple tasks. People with ADHD are often seen as lazy or unintelligent, when actually what’s going on is just a difference in how the brain is wired. Having this difference affects the brains ability to regulate attention, impulses, activity levels, and the ability to emotionally regulate.

ADHD can manifest differently in each person:

  • Predominantly Inattentive: Difficulty sustaining attention, following through on tasks, and organising activities
  • Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive: Excessive fidgeting, difficulty staying seated and needing to move around often, interrupting others, and acting without thinking
  • Combined Presentation: A mixture of both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive symptoms

Breaking Down the Myths

Myth: ADHD only affects children. Reality: While ADHD is sometimes noticed and diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, it doesn’t just disappear when someone reaches adulthood, that person will still live with ADHD as an adult. There are also many adults whose ADHD traits were no recognised as children; these people slipped through the net and have had to navigate their lives whilst struggling with being different and experience difficulties they’ve never fully understood or had the language for.

Myth: ADHD means you can’t focus on anything. Reality: ‘Lack of focus’ is only a small part of the experience of living with ADHD. It’s common for people with ADHD to experience something called hyperfocus, which is an intense concentration on activities that interest them. The challenge then becomes about regulating that attention (e.g. not spending hours-on-end doing a particular task without pee breaks or stopping to eat lunch!)

Myth: ADHD is just an excuse for bad behaviour. Reality: Maybe this stems from a combination of the troubles with impulse control and emotional regulation, or from the stereotype of ‘problem child’ and challenging behaviour that can manifest when ADHD goes unrecognised and/or unmanaged. Whereas many people with ADHD work really hard to ‘fit in’ or to hide what’s going on for them on the inside (known as masking).

The Daily Reality of Living with ADHD

For neurotypical people, carrying out everyday tasks might feel quite easy and seamless. For those with ADHD, these same tasks can feel overwhelming and analysis paralysis takes over. ‘Time blindness’ can lead to the day slipping away without realising it or dragging on endlessly in ‘waiting mode’. Keeping emotionally regulated can be another daily challenge, because feelings that com up feel more intense and take longer to process and move on from.

Despite all of these difficulties, ADHD also comes with many strengths. Many ADHD’rs are creative problem-solvers who think outside the box and demonstrate remarkable resilience in the face of difficulty, and they often bring energetic enthusiasm to projects they’re passionate about.

My Reflections

On a personal note, I’ve been on a journey over the last few years discovering my unique presentation of being neurodivergent, which I now realise involves having ADHD traits. It’s been a roller-coaster figuring myself out (and still going!), but it has helped me to better understand both myself and my clients experiences. It explains why some days I’m able to get lots done but others I can barely manage to do the basics; I’ve had to recognise and begin to unlearn the internalised shame and masking that gets created from my own neurodivergent struggles.

I’ve come to learn the importance of self-compassion and understanding that is crucially needed when we’re discovering who we are and what we need to support ourselves better. We’re not ‘failing at life’, we’re just doing things differently (and that’s OK).

How You Can Support ADHD Awareness

Educate yourself and others. Understanding replaces judgment. When you learn more about ADHD, you become better equipped to support those affected by it.

Practice patience and empathy. If someone with ADHD forgets that thing you asked them to do, interrupts you when you’re talking, or struggles to complete their to-do lists, remember that’s just how their brain works (even though it’s frustrating).

Advocate for accommodations. In schools and workplaces, reasonable adjustments can make a tremendous difference; things like extended time on tests, flexible deadlines, or quiet workspaces.

Listen to lived experiences. The ADHD community has valuable insights, I would strongly recommend engaging with materials that authentically show what it’s like to live with ADHD (some great examples are How To ADHD & ADHD Love).

Support ADHD-friendly environments. Whether you’re a teacher, employer, or friend, you can create spaces that work with ADHD brains rather than against them. Offer clear expectations of what is needed, routines that have flexibility built-in, use of visual aids and regular breaks all help.

Moving Forward

ADHD Awareness Month reminds us that neurodiversity is part of the human experience. When we understand and accommodate different ways of thinking and processing information, everyone benefits. We create more innovative workplaces, more inclusive schools, and more compassionate communities.

If you’re struggling with symptoms that might be ADHD, or if you’re finding yourself overwhelmed by daily life in ways that others don’t seem to experience, reaching out for support is an important first step. Whether through counselling, assessment, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination of approaches, support can be genuinely life-changing.

Moving forward, let’s commit to understanding ADHD better, supporting those who live with it, and recognising that different doesn’t mean deficient. Every neurodivergent person deserves to be understood, valued, and supported.

If you’d like to explore how counselling can support you in navigating ADHD or any other challenges you’re facing, please contact me on 07568 350 457, email psi.counselling@gmail.com, or use my contact form.

Being your own rock: developing a healthy relationship with yourself

Published on by psicounselling

We often hear about the importance of healthy relationships with others, but what about the relationship we have with ourselves? For many of us, being truly present with ourselves can feel uncomfortable or even overwhelming. Yet learning to become our own secure base is one of the most transformative things we can do for our mental health and wellbeing. In this post, we’ll explore practical ways to develop a nurturing, compassionate relationship with yourself using the HEART method as our guide.

Here and now with myself

The idea of being present with yourself sounds simple, but can actually be quite difficult to put into practice for many people. Being truly alone with yourself can sometimes be a painful, uncomfortable experience, and can even feel unsafe if you’re someone who has lived through trauma.

It can be incredibility useful to tap into some of our less well known senses in order to grow our self awareness. By harnessing exteroception (sensing our environment), interoception (sensations within our body) and proprioception (sensing our bodies position in relation to the environment).

Start to notice times when you’re avoiding being alone with yourself, and consider how you might spend more time with you. You could practice different activities, like mindfulness or yoga, trying a body scan, or going out for a walk without your headphones or calling anyone.

Expressing joy and appreciation for myself

If we are to have a good relationship with ourselves, it’s importance to develop the ability to feel joy, appreciation, and compassion toward our self, like you would a loved one. Although our first formation of self-worth develops through childhood experiences and our significant relationships growing up, as adults we need to continue this through consistent positive self talk and self compassion.

Feelings of shame and the inner critics in us can massively undermine our relationship with self. Essentially it’s the mind attacking itself, believing it’s protecting you, when actually it’s causing more damage and blocking opportunities for healing.

Being able to heal from these wounds involves a recognition that these are parts of ourselves that have been born from trauma and conflict, that they are part of us but not ALL we are. Taking a compassion-focused lens to our selves and what we have experienced can really help us to reconnect with our joyful and creative sides, and help to feel safe in our own company.

Put this into practice by reflecting on the aspects of yourself that you appreciate, or try making a list of your top 10 best qualities, maybe even ask those that know you well to list some positive things about you. Lastly, strive to carve out time in your schedule to do something that you enjoy doing.

Attunement to myself

Our ability to tune into our own and others’ inner worlds forms the foundation of secure attachment and emotional regulation. When emotional needs go unmet in childhood, we often develop one of two coping patterns: seeking constant external validation or disconnecting from our feelings entirely. Emotional healing requires learning to attune to ourselves, a conscious practice of noticing what we feel, need, and think, then responding with care and compassion.

How this looks in practice depends on our attachment style. Those with preoccupied or anxious attachment benefit from building a stronger sense of self. Those with avoidant or dismissive attachment need to practice vulnerability and connection with others. And those with fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment must focus on creating a solid sense of inner safety.

Regardless of attachment style, the way forward is the same; through consistent self-awareness, body connection, and self-compassion, we can develop a secure base within ourselves and become our own nurturing caregiver.

Try reflecting on the ways you already show up for yourself, then ask yourself in what ways can you build on this and start to really attune to your needs. Try grounding techniques that fully engage your senses (think appealing textures or smells, calming sounds and frequencies), consider journaling, or look into mindfulness meditations that incorporate self-compassion and somatic awareness.

Routine and rituals for myself

Part of what makes a healthy relationship involves getting our needs met consistently and predictably. In order to take care of ourselves, we need to make sure we’re eating and sleeping well, plus getting enough rest and making time for joy in our everyday lives. Having routines that align with your natural body clock and living a life that matches your needs and values is so important in feeling emotionally healthy.

This also pairs up with the idea that what we chose to focus our attention on becomes reinforced in our minds. So if you put your energy into creating a life for yourself that is authentic, joyful and aligned with your needs, this will eventually assimilate into your sense of self and become reality.

So have a think about what you’d like as your regular self care (no, not just candle lit baths). Things like making time for regular exercise, meal prep to ensure your body is getting enough nutrition, scheduling in time to meet friends or take part in your favourite activities etc.

Turing towards myself after conflict and triggers

Building a secure attachment with yourself requires learning to work skilfully with your inner critic and emotional triggers. Your inner critic, though usually quite harsh, is quite often actually attempting to protect you from either rejection, failure, or being disliked (or a combination). Understanding the underlying motivations behind your inner critic allows you to “translate” what it’s saying you need, usually it boils down to safety and acceptance.

Rather than speaking directly from this critical part (which often leads to blaming ourselves or others), you can speak for the hurt or vulnerable part of yourself; expressing your needs with clarity means you show up as your authentic self, which creates a space for genuine connection to others.

This skill becomes incredibly handy when managing moments when our nervous systems are triggered, where something in the present moment touches on past pain and our body’s alarm system turns on. So learning to recognise what triggers you and being able to pause and respond, rather than react, you’re creating an opportunity to heal old wounds and to reinforce a positive relationship with yourself.

Take some time to think about how you treat yourself after you’ve made a mistake or haven’t lived up to your own expectations, and how you might go about treating yourself better in those moments. Remember that you don’t have to stay triggered, you can make a conscious choice to disarm your bodies alarm system by practising grounding techniques (such as deep breathing). You could also try debating with your inner critic, by not blindingly taking it’s message as truth but to question if there is another aspect of the situation you had not considered.

Developing a healthy relationship with yourself an ongoing practice, it requires time and effort to develop. This effort, though hard, is well worth it in the end as you deserve the same kindness, understanding, and care from yourself that you would offer to someone you love.

Are you feeling ready to start strengthening your relationship with yourself?

Choose one of the letters in the HEART method that resonates with you and commit to trying it over this next week. Whether it’s spending ten minutes alone without distractions, writing down three things you appreciate about yourself, or simply pausing to check in with how you’re feeling, every small action counts in the end. If you’re feeling inspired, start today! Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything else in your life.

If you’re struggling with learning to love you, counselling could really help give you space and tools to transform the way you see and care for yourself. Get in touch to arrange a call to discuss how I could help you in this journey. I can be reached by phone on 07568350457, email psi.counselling@gmail.com or via my contact form.

From Counsellor to Supervisor: A Journey of Growth and Discovery

Published on by psicounselling

Last year I hit a milestone in my career; it had been a decade of sitting across from clients, holding space for their stories, and witnessing countless moments of breakthroughs and emotional healing. Shortly after writing a blog about my learnings during this time, I found myself reflecting on what might come next.

While I remained committed to my counselling work since beginning my Level 4 diploma in 2013, I wasn’t feeling the same excitement about my counselling practice that I once had. I wondered if this was simply a natural feeling to have at this point in my career and personal life. Then my clinical supervisor made a suggestion: “Have you ever considered training as a supervisor? I think you’d be excellent at it.”

Taking the Leap

The idea intrigued me. Training as a clinical supervisor did feel like a natural next step, especially when I found a course that was accessible and covered not just traditional supervision but also the evolving landscape of online counselling and supervision. The possibility of exploring a new dimension of therapeutic work motivated me to sign up.

However, once I’d committed to the training, I found myself in a panic and wondering whether I’d actually be any good at it. Would I have the skills to guide other counsellors effectively? Could I provide the kind of support and insight that supervisees would need? These doubts lingered as I prepared myself for the course to start.

The Challenges Were Real

What I hadn’t anticipated was how demanding the reading requirements would be, particularly in the early stages of the course when it was top-heavy with theory and research. The volume of material that needed to be absorbed between workshops was overwhelming. As someone who is neurodivergent, my brain processes information slower than average, and I found myself struggling to keep up with the pace and quantity of reading expected.

I was very thankful when this eased off towards the end of the live workshops, but then we were hit with the course assignments and I felt overwhelmed all over again! However I was grateful that I could at least do these at my own pace, which despite causing a lot of stress, I managed to submit before the deadline.

The workshop components brought their own anxieties. I often struggle with anxiety around new people and tend to freeze up during observed role plays, the thought of connecting with peers and being watched during practice sessions filled me with dread. The vulnerability required to learn supervision skills in front of others felt quite daunting.

Unexpected Discoveries

What surprised me most was how wrong my fears turned out to be. The connections I made with fellow trainees came more easily than I had anticipated. Instead of feeling isolated by my struggles, I found common ground with others navigating their own challenges. One of these connections has blossomed into a genuine friendship, reminding me that growth often happens when we engage in communities where we feel acceptance and belonging.

But on reflection, maybe the most significant discovery was how much I was genuinely enjoying the supervision itself. There’s something deeply satisfying about sitting with supervisees as they present their client work, helping them facilitate their reflections using frameworks like the seven-eyed model. I love watching the lightbulb moments when a supervisee sees their work from a new angle or gains insight into their therapeutic relationships, or indeed with themselves.

A New Perspective

I expected to feel nervous or uncertain in the supervisor role, instead I found a renewed energy and enthusiasm. The work I’m doing to help other counsellors develop their skills, process challenging cases, and grow in their practice, has brought a fresh perspective to my career that I hadn’t anticipated.

Looking back, I realize that my decade of counselling experience was building on my own practice, but also laying the foundations for this next phase of my life and career. All those years of client work, of navigating therapeutic relationships, of managing my own personal and professional development (with the help of my own supervisors of course), had been building toward something bigger.

For Those Considering the Journey

If you’re a counsellor curious about supervision training or considering a new direction in your practice, I’d encourage you to explore it. Yes, it can be challenging, especially if you have learning differences or social anxieties like I do. But I’ve learned that our lived experiences often become our greatest strengths. My experience of being neurodivergent helps me think creatively and offer fresh perspectives into supervisees and their clients. Whilst my social anxieties make me more attuned to the vulnerability supervisees feel when sharing their work.

Since becoming a supervisor, I’ve discovered new ways to contribute to our field on top of exploring different aspects of therapeutic work, which is something I’m truly grateful for. There’s something powerful about the ripple effect of supervision: by supporting and developing other counsellors, we’re indirectly helping all the clients they’ll work with, creating positive ripples that extend far beyond our direct practice. Career development doesn’t always follow a straight line, and sometimes the most rewarding opportunities come from directions we hadn’t initially considered.

If you’re a counsellor and would like to work with me as your supervisor, please get in touch for a free videocall to see if we’d be a good match.

Pride Month 2025: The Reality Behind the Rainbow Flags

Published on by psicounselling

June brings Pride Month again, and with it the familiar mix of celebration and complexity that many of my LGBTQIA+ clients know well. While social media fills with rainbow everything and brands dust off their Pride marketing, the lived reality for many queer people remains more nuanced.

If you’re reading this, you might be wondering what Pride actually means – whether you’re still figuring out your own identity, dealing with unsupportive family, trying to get through another day feeling like yourself in a world that doesn’t always make space for that, or you’re someone supporting a loved one through these experiences.

The Gap Between Progress and Reality

Yes, some things have improved. Same-sex marriage is legal, workplace protections exist on paper, and representation in media has increased. But progress isn’t linear, and recent developments like the UK Supreme Court’s April 2025 ruling that defines “woman” as referring only to biological sex serve as stark reminders of how quickly legal protections can shift.

This ruling is expected to impact accommodations for trans women in bathrooms, hospital wards, sports clubs and more. But beyond the practical implications, there’s the psychological impact on both trans people and cisgender women who now face increased scrutiny about their “biological credentials” in spaces that should feel safe.

I see the effects of this uncertainty in my counselling practice regularly. The external world might seem more accepting in some ways, but internal struggles with identity, family relationships, and self-acceptance don’t magically resolve because it’s Pride Month – and they certainly don’t get easier when legal definitions of your identity are being contested in court.

The Mental Health Reality

Let’s be honest about what I actually see in my practice. People exhausted from code-switching between different versions of themselves depending on who they’re with. Adults still dealing with the emotional fallout from families who “love them but don’t understand.” The particular loneliness of feeling like you don’t quite fit anywhere, even within LGBTQIA+ spaces.

There’s the scenario of someone who came out at work and now wonders if every negative interaction is about their sexuality. Or the teenager whose parents say they’re supportive but keep asking when this “phase” will end. The partner of someone who’s transitioning, trying to navigate their own feelings while being supportive.

These aren’t issues that get solved by attending a Pride parade, though community connection certainly helps some people. They’re complex psychological challenges that often require time, space, and professional support to work through.

What Actually Helps

Therapy isn’t about becoming more Pride-worthy or learning to love yourself in time for rainbow season. It’s about having somewhere to untangle the mess of growing up different in a world that often expects conformity.

Sometimes that looks like grieving the family acceptance you wanted but didn’t get. Sometimes it’s learning to trust your own instincts about who’s safe to be yourself around. Often it involves unpicking years of internalized messages about what’s “normal” or acceptable.

The work is slower and messier than the Pride Month messaging suggests, but it’s also more real. It’s about figuring out how to live as yourself not just during Pride Month, but in January when no one’s talking about LGBTQIA+ issues and you still have to get up and face the world.

Beyond the Month

Pride Month will end, the flags will come down, and most people will move on to the next thing. But if you’re LGBTQIA+, you’ll still be navigating the same challenges in July.

If you’re struggling with any of this stuff – whether you’re LGBTQIA+ dealing with identity, family dynamics, or workplace stress, or you’re a family member, friend, or partner trying to understand and support someone you care about – you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I work in person and online with people across the spectrum of gender and sexuality, and I get that finding a therapist who actually understands these issues (rather than just saying they’re “LGBTQIA+ friendly”) matters. If you think counselling might help, you can contact me on 07568 350 457, email me on psi.counselling@gmail.com or use the site contact form.

And if you’re in crisis, support is available year-round, not just during Pride Month. Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123, and the LGBT Foundation offers specific support on 0345 3 30 30 30.

The Disinhibition Effect: What is it and how does it impact online therapy?

Published on by psicounselling

‘The Disinhibition Effect’ is a phenomenon that explains much of why people often behave differently online than they do in person.

The term was first coined by John Suler in 2004 and it has become much more common with the birth of the internet and social media, however this phenomenon has been documented in recent history way before the internet was even a thing.

Suler’s definition explores how the anonymity and invisibility of the online world can reduce people’s inhibitions, leading them to act in ways they might not otherwise. This can can have either positive effects (increased openness and emotional expression) or negative outcomes (aggression, trolling or inappropriate comments).

Understanding the Disinhibition Effect

There are several factors that fuel online behaviour:

  • You don’t know me (Dissociative anonymity) – a certain degree of anonymity to the person we’re communicating with helps us to detach from ourselves and we feel more able to voice our thoughts and feelings.
  • You can’t see me (Invisibility) – Not being visually seen by others gives us a sense of protection from vulnerability, which in turn leads to lowering our inhibitions. It also makes it much easier to misrepresent ourselves to others.
  • See you later (Asynchronicity) – When communication is not in real time (e.g. email or commenting on social media posts), it can feel easier to say things that are difficult, uncomfortable or socially unacceptable. Having no immediate consequences to what’s been said creates a sense of safety and protection.
  • It’s all in my head (Solipsistic introjection) – When we don’t know much or see all of the person we are talking to, our mind unconsciously ‘fills in the blanks’. We then make assumptions about others and imagine up ideas of who we think they are.
  • It’s just a game (Dissociative imagination) – the abstract idea of an online world can lead to a belief that the usual practice of social etiquette isn’t needed during online interactions.
  • Your rules don’t apply here (Minimisation of status and authority) – The prevailing ethos that everyone is equal in online spaces can make it appear that ‘nobody is in charge’, and so people tend to engage with each other as peers. This can also lead to a belief that both everyone and no-one is an ‘expert’, blurring the distinction between individual opinions and established facts.

The Disinhibition Effect in Online Therapy

In the context of online therapy (whether that’s video-calling, telephone or email), this disinhibition effect can impact the therapy in a variety of ways:

Increased openness

Clients may feel more able to be vulnerable earlier on in the therapy process, revealing thoughts and feelings that they usually find too difficult or distressing to share with others. This can speed up the therapeutic process and quickly create a strong bond (aka therapeutic alliance) between client and therapist.

Emotional overwhelm

The same openness could also lead clients to delve into deeply distressing subject matter much quicker than in real life. An important part of therapy is to be able to explore such subject matter in a safe and contained way, and speaking to quickly about things can be psychologically unsafe for the client. A good therapist will help guide you to talk about these things at a pace that is safe for you.

Vulnerability hangovers

Similarly, when we are brave enough to take a risk and share our vulnerability with someone else, we can feel really exposed; common feelings that arise from this include guilt, shame, fear and regret. The nature of online therapy means we’re more likely to be vulnerable with our therapists, so it’s important to note that ‘vulnerability hangovers’ may be more common during online therapy.

Therapist-Client boundaries

Boundaries are what help us trust and feel safe when with others, and professional boundaries in therapy are incredibly important in protecting both the client and therapist from harm. Having sessions online can blur the professional boundaries that are essential for safe and effective therapy, and your online therapist should be communicating these boundaries from the very beginning. Some examples of these include starting and ending sessions at the agreed time, avoiding communication that is casual or out of hours, maintaining privacy and avoiding interruptions during sessions.

Self-expression

The ability to detach from and lower our inhibitions when communicating with a therapist online often leads to easier and more self-expression in comparison to in-person therapy. Feeling more protected from negative consequences of emotional vulnerability leads to less shame and embarrassment when sharing difficult thoughts and feelings. Having therapy by email also gives the client more time to articulate themselves and their issues better.

Thinking of having online therapy? Get in touch to see how I can help

References:

Suler, J. (2004). The Online Disinhibition Effect. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 7(3), 321–326.

The Disinhibition Effect in Online Therapy – Counselling tutor

What do Counsellors and Psychotherapists mean by boundaries? – BACP

The Realities of Being a Counsellor: Reflections from the last Decade

Published on by psicounselling

This month I’m celebrating 10 years as a practising counsellor. As I’m writing this I can’t believe it’s been a whole decade since I first sat down with a new client! This is such a milestone for me and a massive achievement, I can’t help but feel so proud of myself.

Thinking back over this time, I’ve had such varied experiences and done a whole lot of self reflection and personal growth, as well as thinking about the counselling field as a whole, and there are some key points I’d like to share with you all.

Human first, Counsellor second

One of the most important things I’ve learnt over the last 10 years is that counsellors and psychotherapists are not perfect beings that know all the answers, have all their sh*t together and never mess up. Imposter syndrome is rife within the counselling community and there is often a pressure to be ‘perfect’, when actually this is not realistic nor doable.

Actually, both counselling theory and my personal experience over the years has taught me that (generally speaking) when I make mistakes within the counselling space and own them, it has a positive effect because it reminds our clients that it’s OK to be imperfect, something that many of us struggle with and which society often tries to convince us otherwise.

Mental health professionals are not immune to mental health issues

I have struggled with both anxiety and depression throughout most of my life, and although part of my training included having my own personal therapy, being a counsellor does not suddenly make me immune to these issues cropping back up when life throws me curveballs. In fact, I have been in and out of therapy for the past 10+ years and I am very much a better person for it.

As well as having my own therapy when the occasion calls for it, striving for regular and consistent self-care plays a major role for me in being able to be there for my clients and successfully help them navigate their issues. My self care varies greatly, from striving to lead a healthy lifestyle and making time for the hobbies I love, to charging a fair fee and saying no when my books are full.

Qualifications are not everything

Over the years I have met some brilliant counsellors, and some awful ones! One thing I’ve noticed is that more academically trained counsellors and psychotherapists don’t necessarily equate to being more successful in helping their clients. There is definitely a strong vocational element to this kind of work, and the personality and personal characteristics of the counsellor play a major role in the ability to do this job.

Of course, as counselling is an unregulated profession, it’s best to check that any counsellor/psychotherapist you work with has gone through some formal training and has appropriate qualifications (training often takes years and the minium professional standard is a Level 4 diploma).

The client-counsellor relationship is key

Just as qualifications aren’t everything, there is no one type of counselling that is better than the rest. Actually, it’s arguable the single most important factor in a positive and successful therapeutic outcome is the strength of the ‘therapeutic alliance’ i.e. the relationship the client has with their counsellor*. This often means it can be a bit ‘trial and error’ trying to find a therapist that is the right fit for you.

There are still many barriers for people accessing therapy

Although video call counselling has become more mainstream in recent years (thanks COVID!), unfortunately there are still things that get in the way of people getting help with their mental health.

The cost of living crisis makes private therapy an unrealistic option for many, and with the NHS overstretched and underfunded, getting therapy through this route is often met with incredibly long wait times and short-term models that are unsuitable for some.

Other barriers include cultural stigmas around speaking to a stranger about your problems or the idea that having therapy makes you ‘weak’ somehow. For some, they put it off because they don’t know how to choose the right counsellor or not understanding how the space can help.

If you’ve enjoyed reading this and found it helpful, feel free to comment, like and share it on your social media. If you’re looking to start therapy, get in touch to see if I can help.

*Horvath, A. O., & Symonds, B. D. (1991). Relation between working alliance and outcome in psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 38(2), 139–149. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.38.2.139

Unlocking Therapy: A Guide to Maximizing Your Mental Health Journey

Published on by psicounselling

Have you ever wondered how to make the most out of the therapy experience?

Whether it’s your first time or you’re well practised at it, it’s always good to think about whether you could be getting more from the therapeutic space. Lets face it, it’s hard work just to get started! So here are some things to think about to help you get going.

Finding Your Bearings: Setting a Focus for Sessions

Firstly, think about what you need the space for. What aspects of your life do you want to explore, understand, or improve? Having a focus for your sessions serves as your compass, allowing both you and your therapist to navigate the journey with intention. It could be anxiety, low mood, self-esteem, or maneuvering through life transitions – the decision is yours. The clearer your focus, the more evident the path becomes.

Exploring the Landscape: Researching Different Types of Therapy

Therapy comes in various forms, each with its unique way of working. Before embarking on your journey, take a moment to explore the different types of therapy that are out there. From CBT and Psychodynamic therapy, to Humanistic or Integrative therapies, each model offers a distinctive way of working. So it might be helpful to consider what resonates with you and aligns with your goals. Asking potential therapists to explain the type of therapy they offer could help you find a better suited therapist sooner and fast track your journey.

Pacing is key: Smaller Changes or Bigger Shifts?

Do you want to make smaller changes over a short period, or are you ready for more profound shifts over a longer period? Therapy is not a one size fits all approach, so you would do well to reflect on your preferences and goals to get a better idea of how you’d like yours to unfold. Once you have a sense of a personal time frame, your therapist can help keep track of the pace and ensure it aligns with what you’re looking for. Remember it’s important to be realistic with yourself, most life long problems don’t become fixed over a short period of time.

Reaping What You Sow: Investing in Yourself

If your mind is a garden, therapy is the nurturing and nutritious soil that feeds it. Like any cultivation, you reap what you sow. Active participation, honesty, and openness are seeds that grow into self-discovery and positive change. Your therapist is there to guide and support, but the investment in your well-being begins with your commitment to yourself and the process. Embrace the journey, tend to your mental garden, and watch the transformation as you bloom.

Embrace the Possibilities for Change

Seize the opportunity to make a positive change in your life. Therapy is not a passive experience; it’s a chance for growth, understanding and empowerment. Take an active role in your mental health journey, communicate openly with your therapist, and let the process unfold with a sense of curiosity and self-compassion.

By approaching therapy with focus, awareness and a commitment to self-investment, you’ll unlock the potential for transformative growth.

Ready to start Therapy?

FAQ—Coronavirus and therapy

Published on by psicounselling

FAQ—COVID-19 and therapy

UPDATED 04/04/22

Q Are there still restrictions on face to face sessions?

A As part of the ‘living with COVID’ guidance, I no longer have any covid-19 mitigation in place.

UPDATED 19/07/21

Q Are there still restrictions on face to face sessions?

A Yes, despite legal restrictions easing, I feel it’s best practice to continue with all my covid-19 mitigation for the time being. I will look to review this decision every few months.

UPDATED 15/08/20

Q Are you doing face to face sessions?

A Yes I have now made my counselling space ‘covid secure’ & now offering face to face sessions again.

Q Are you taking on any new clients for online sessions?

A Yes I am still taking on new clients; sessions can be either face to face or online video calling.

Q How would we do video calling (online) sessions?

A We would use the VSee software/app, which is free and secure video calling software designed for professional use. You can download/install and sign up at www.vsee.com or find the app on iOS/android. Online sessions will need to be similarly set up to face to face sessions, meaning we both will be situated in a quiet, private space that is free of distractions and where we are able to sit comfortably. *Note: video call quality is often best when using a wired connection to a PC/laptop*

UPDATED 15/03/20

Q What are you doing to minimize risk?

A I am taking extra precautions to frequently and thoroughly wash my hands at every opportunity,  frequently using anti-viral hand sanitizer and avoiding shaking hands.

Within the counselling space, after each client I am disinfecting all hard surfaces that clients might touch, and temporarily minimizing my soft furnishings. 2m distance will be kept between us at all times.

Furthermore, I am asking all clients to use the provided anti-viral hand sanitizer at the beginning of each session and all clients have access to a sink to wash their hands if they wish to.

Q What can I do to minimize my risk?

A Keep up to date on official NHS guidelines and government guidelines and do what you feel is best for you.

Q What happens if you or I have to self-isolate?

A If you need to self-isolate, I ask that you let me know as soon as possible so we can make appropriate arrangements. Similarly, if I need to self-isolate I will get in touch with you as quickly as I can so we can make preparations. If this happens, you will have a choice of options: to switch our sessions to video call (online) for the isolation period, put them on hold as necessary or end them altogether.

Q Can I switch to online sessions as a precaution?

A Yes of course we can switch from face to face to online sessions if that is what you wish to do. Just let me know if this is the case for you.

Q What should I do if I feel unwell before an upcoming session?

A If you feel unwell in the days before our session, let me know and we can discuss how to proceed. If you feel unwell on the day and a session can’t take place (face to face or online), I may charge a £25 cancellation fee in accordance with my existing cancellation policy.

UPDATED 19/07/21

Q Are there still restrictions on face to face sessions?

A Yes, despite legal restrictions easing, I feel it’s best practice to continue with all my covid-19 mitigation for the time being. I will look to review this decision every few months.

UPDATED 15/08/20

Q Are you doing face to face sessions?

A Yes I have now made my counselling space ‘covid secure’ & now offering face to face sessions again.

Q Are you taking on any new clients for online sessions?

A Yes I am still taking on new clients; sessions can be either face to face or online video calling.

Q How would we do video calling (online) sessions?

A We would use the VSee software/app, which is free and secure video calling software designed for professional use. You can download/install and sign up at www.vsee.com or find the app on iOS/android. Online sessions will need to be similarly set up to face to face sessions, meaning we both will be situated in a quiet, private space that is free of distractions and where we are able to sit comfortably. *Note: video call quality is often best when using a wired connection to a PC/laptop*

UPDATED 15/03/20

Q What are you doing to minimize risk?

A I am taking extra precautions to frequently and thoroughly wash my hands at every opportunity,  frequently using anti-viral hand sanitizer and avoiding shaking hands.

Within the counselling space, after each client I am disinfecting all hard surfaces that clients might touch, and temporarily minimizing my soft furnishings. 2m distance will be kept between us at all times.

Furthermore, I am asking all clients to use the provided anti-viral hand sanitizer at the beginning of each session and all clients have access to a sink to wash their hands if they wish to.

Q What can I do to minimize my risk?

A Keep up to date on official NHS guidelines and government guidelines and do what you feel is best for you.

Q What happens if you or I have to self-isolate?

A If you need to self-isolate, I ask that you let me know as soon as possible so we can make appropriate arrangements. Similarly, if I need to self-isolate I will get in touch with you as quickly as I can so we can make preparations. If this happens, you will have a choice of options: to switch our sessions to video call (online) for the isolation period, put them on hold as necessary or end them altogether.

Q Can I switch to online sessions as a precaution?

A Yes of course we can switch from face to face to online sessions if that is what you wish to do. Just let me know if this is the case for you.

Q What should I do if I feel unwell before an upcoming session?

A If you feel unwell in the days before our session, let me know and we can discuss how to proceed. If you feel unwell on the day and a session can’t take place (face to face or online), I may charge a £25 cancellation fee in accordance with my existing cancellation policy.

How to be a good ally in 2020

Published on by psicounselling

Given the current political climate, it might feel like we’re regressing in attitudes towards queer people. But right now I have a sense of hope that this new decade will bring about even more positive changes than the last one. The 2010’s saw an increase of worldwide acceptance for LGBT+ people, with 18 countries legalising same sex marriage!

Even as I write this, I’m reading about how heterosexual couples can now have civil partnerships. Although it might not seem like it on the surface, this feels like another progressive step towards an equal and inclusive society.

Although LGBT+ people make up a small percent of the UK population (7%) it’s important for us as individuals and as a society to be aware of and accepting of queerness. With the current UK population sitting at about 67.7 million people, that’s approximately 63 million potential allies who could be doing their bit to help spread awareness and tolerance.

As we move forward into a new decade, we all have a chance to carve out better paths for ourselves and future generations, and contribute to the ever-changing values we hold as a society. You might be thinking, “what can I do? I’m just one person, I can’t make much of a difference!” Well, if we all aim to make one small difference, it will all add up to something much bigger

                      You can…   

…Be curious

Be genuinely interested in some ones different experience. Go into conversations with the aim of learning something new about who they are and what they feel, not with the view of convincing them your way is better.

….Be open to change

Not just social change, but change within yourself. Be open to the possibility that hearing different viewpoints or opinions might change how you think and feel about things, that it’s possible your values and beliefs could evolve into something different. Let go of the concept that change is bad thing.

…Speak out

If you hear negative talk or see prejudiced behaviour towards a specific group of people (e.g. trans, bisexuals etc.), call them out on it & let them know that kind of talk and attitude isn’t acceptable in today’s society. If those people aren’t challenged about what they are saying or doing, it’s unlikely they will think twice about doing things differently next time.

…Celebrate the positives

See or hear about something inclusive and progressive happening in the news? Share the sh*t out of it! With world news at our fingertips, it’s easy to get swept up with all the negativity that goes on out there and forget that there is good stuff happening too. Spread the positive vibes with the hope that the more that people see it, the more ordinary and commonplace it will feel to be queer.

References

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/culturalidentity/sexuality/bulletins/sexualidentityuk/2017

https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/uk-population

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_in_LGBT_rights

4 Things you didn’t know could be caused by anxiety

Published on by psicounselling

1) Exhaustion

Do you sometimes feel completely drained without knowing why? Do you often feel like you’ve got no energy to do the things you want to?

Worrying all the time about all sorts of things is exhausting! If you’re feeling fatigue, it might be due to constant worries draining your precious energy. When I say exhaustion, I mean both the physical and emotional sides of it. In fact, physical tiredness with no apparent cause can be a symptom of emotional fatigue.

Other aspects of emotional exhaustion can include not feeling any motivation or drive to do day-to-day things and/or achieving bigger life goals, having trouble concentrating, being absent minded, quick to anger or irritability, and having difficulties getting to and staying asleep.

2) Binging on TV shows

Maybe you’re really excited to watch the new show that’s just dropped on Netflix….

….or maybe you’re trying to distract yourself from worrying about stuff by having a constant source of information coming at you. It could be that you’re trying to focus on the show rather than the worries you have about your life and the people around you.

When you’re anxious, having a distraction ready can be a good way to manage until it passes, but if its used long term as a coping mechanism, its not going to help resolve what’s causing the anxiety.

3) Being overly organised

Being super organised might just be part of your personality, or you might really enjoy coordinating and sorting your things into their proper places. However this is not always the case. If you have noticed lately that you’re putting more and more effort into organising and planning, but aren’t too happy about it, this could be a sign of anxiety.

For some people, control over how things are planned and where stuff goes can be a sign that you are feeling out of control with worry. When we don’t feel that we are in control of our lives, we instinctively do things that help us to get that feeling of control back.

This is called self-regulation; sometimes we self regulate with healthy stuff (crying/listening to music/ moderate exercise) and sometimes not (smoking/alcohol/junk food). For some people, organising their possessions and/or their daily schedule is a type of self regulation.

4) Poor memory recall

Some background info on how our memory works:

There are 3 stages to memory; (1) information gets taken into our brains through our senses, it then needs attention to pass through to our (2) short term memory and then to (3) long term memory. If the information going in (e.g. what we see and hear) doesn’t get enough attention in the moment, it wont be able to be stored into memory and will just disappear (decay).

So if we are anxious or preoccupied about something and thinking about that instead of what’s happening in the moment, we can’t give enough attention to our present moment. This results in our brains not creating memories of what has just happened. Whether it’s being at work, being out and about, or those precious times spent with loved ones.

So if you find yourself not being able to remember much of what has happened during your day, like constantly forgetting what you came into the room for, or not remembering what was said during that conversation you just had, you could be feeling more anxious than you realised.

References

https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-exhaustion#symptoms

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_self-regulation

Atkinson, R.C., and Shriffin R.M. (1968) Human memory: A proposed system and it’s control processes. In Eysenck, M.W., and Keane, M.T. (2005) Cognitive Psychology. East Sussex: Psychology press.

Sexless relationships: more common than you think and ways you can move past it

Published on by psicounselling

Research suggests that as many as 3 out of 10 people are in a sexless relationship (Relate, 2018). Whilst it’s important to acknowledge that some people are happy being in a sexless relationship, there are many people who are NOT happy about it!

So why is it so common? And what can be done about it?

Well, it’s complicated! Loss of intimacy in a relationship can happen for lots of reasons… being busy with or being too tired from work, stressful life events, mental health issues, physical health issues, having kids, mismatched sex drives & incompatible sexual desires etc.

Although it’s likely that one of you in particular is the main reason for sex not happening, both parties can feel upset with the situation. The partner wanting more sex might feel rejected, unwanted & unloved by their spouse; they might feel confusion as to why sex isn’t happening, or angry that their basic needs are not being met. The one not wanting sex might feel guilt over not being able to satisfy their partners needs; they might feel ashamed that they can’t perform, or like feel they are a failure and a let down.

So what can you do if you are unhappy in a sexless relationship? Proactive steps to take:

Communicate

Talk to your partner about how you are feeling… but don’t just blurt it all out and expect it to be problem solved.

Set some time aside to talk. Take it in turns to speak & really listen to what the other person is saying; be honest and respectful in what you say. If it’s hard to talk, try writing it down in a letter or email.

Re-evaluate

Take some time for yourself to really think about the relationship that you have… are you happy with the other aspects of it? Or is something amiss there too? This can really help to figure out if this is an isolated problem or if there are bigger issues at play.

If the relationship is suffering, you will have to decide whether you want to stay and fix things, or to come to terms with it being over and leave.

Then either

Commit…

If you decide that you want to stay and work on the relationship, think about what you both could do to get the relationship back on track; this part really depends on the reasons behind the lack of intimacy for you, but also needs both of you to make the commitment to work on things.

You might decide to seek out couple counselling and/or individual counselling to work through any mental health issues or newly identified problems in the relationship; seeking professional help means things can be worked through in a safe and confidential space.

Make time for intimacy; schedule regular date nights, get a babysitter in, maybe cut back on overtime at work, do whatever you need to do to make some time for each other.

… or say goodbye

It can be hard to call time on a relationship, especially if you’ve been together a long time and don’t want to have wasted it on someone who didn’t work out. Ultimately, it’s better to have shorter, happier relationships than longer, miserable ones.

References

https://www.relate.org.uk/about-us/media-centre/press-releases/2018/9/17/over-quarter-relationships-are-sexless)